Yuletide Moo-sings from Mystic Moo

The following article originally appeared on an earlier iteration of See Page XX in December 2007. 

Paula Dempsey, alias Mystic Moo, predicts your gaming future.

(To the tune of Let it Snow)

The weather outside is frightful
So Buttercup’s made a trifle
For Hamish the Hieland Coo

Let it Moo! Let it Moo! Let it Moo!

The cowshed’s bright and merry
And Marigold’s on the sherry
And Buttercup’s had one too

Let it Moo! Let it Moo! Let it Moo!

Sorry about that, but there’s no telly in the cowshed, so we’re making our own entertainment.  Hamish is over there with a wee dram and a mince pie and Marigold’s sleeping it off in the corner.  We’ve earned it, though.  Last night we invited some of our local human gaming group over to try a little experimental drama.  We had one gamer from each of the twelve signs in the RPG zodiac and we matched their starsign to their ideal pantomime role.

Mystic Moo proudly presents – Aladdin

Dork:(Director)

All right everyone, places please.  I said, places please! I put those chalk marks there for a reason, you know! Look, I’ve committed a lot to this performance.  I’ve cancelled chess club, for heaven’s sake.  If you’re not going to take it seriously, then I’m going home.  Now, I’ve made these script alterations…

Orc:(Henchman)

Ugg?

Dork:

Right, Act One, Scene One.  Cue Aladdin.

Traveller:(Aladdin)

Here comes I, Aladdin, on my magic carpet!  Ooh, what’s this old lamp?  I wonder what will happen if I rub it?

Vampire:(Genie)

(Entering through trapdoor) You called, Master?  I am the Genie of the Lamp. What is your will? And is the pub open yet? I’m bored already and this costume is just so BRIGHT! Couldn’t I be a Dark Elf or something instead?

Orc:

Ugg!  Hit things yet?

Dork:

No.  Cue Princess Nanki Poo

Burrows:(Princess Nanki Poo)

I am Princess Nanki Poo and I’m so lonely locked up here in my wonderful jewelled tower.  I wonder if I will find anyone to fall in love with?

Cugel:
(Prince Charming)

Oi, Princess Nanki Poo, I don’t half fancy you.  Want to see my magic wand?

Dork:

Try and stay on script please.  And what’s Prince Charming doing in Aladdin?

Cugel:

Call it dramatic licence.  Anyway, you wouldn’t let me play Aladdin.

Burrows:

Sorry to be mean, but you wouldn’t have made a good Aladdin.  Cugels are the slimeballs of the RPG zodiac.  And Travellers are the best flying carpet pilots – everyone knows that.  Sorry to be mean, though.

Orc:

Hit things now?

Dork:

NO!

Vampire:

Look, can we get on with this?  I’ve got the Dracula Society Christmas Party at seven o’clock and I haven’t ironed my cape yet.

Dork:

Will you stop whinging?  Cue Shoggoth.

Shoggoth:(Arabian Nights dragon thingy)

Why haven’t I got any lines?  Every time I come on stage people just shout “It’s behind you”.  It’s a bit dull.

Burrows:

Sorry.  I think you’re not supposed to say anything, actually.  Just lurk about looking menacing.  I hope that’s OK and everything.

Dork:

Oh for God’s sake. Cue Frodo.  And could he be a bit less perky this time?

Frodo:(Aladdin’s monkey)

(Perkily) Hello Aladdin.  Where are we going on the magic carpet today?  Can we go and find some treasure? And who is that pretty lady in the window of the tower over there?  I’m going to climb up and find out.

There then follows a tedious musical number between the monkey and the Princess.

Vampire:

This script’s crap.

Dork:

You’ve missed your cue, you miserable git.

Vampire:

Sorry.  Monkey, where have you been?

Frodo:

I’ve been visiting a lovely princess.  I think she’d be the perfect girlfriend for Aladdin.

Werewolf :(Uncle Abenarzer)

(Entering stage right) Oh no she wouldn’t.

Audience:

Oh yes she would.

Werewolf:

Oh no she wouldn’t.

Audience:

Oh yes she would.

Werewolf:

Oh no she wouldn’t.

Audience:

Oh get on with it!

Werewolf:

I’m Aladdin’s Uncle Abenarzer and I’m going to make sure that he never goes out with Princess Nanki Poo.

Audience:

BOO!

Traveller:

Hang on, I’m the hero and I’ve hardly had any lines so far.  Genie, I command you to bring me the hand of Princess Nanki Poo! Oh bugger, I could have phrased that better…

Vampire:

It’s quite a nice hand.  Almost a shame you didn’t want the rest of her really.

Burrows:

This is a sophisticated audience.  Do you think they’ll be fooled by a lame conjuring trick like that? Not to mention that lame joke.

Vampire:

I agree.  Let’s do it for real.  I’ve got a ceremonial athame in my backpack.

Burrows:

(Tearfully)  You’re just spoiling it for everybody!

Dork:

I’d like you to know how frustrated you are making me. 

Werewolf:

At this point I transform into a ravening creature of the night and tear Aladdin’s magic lamp away from him.  Howling, I run off into the gloom.

Ranger:

(Leaping from balcony onto stage and slapping thigh) Ah, but you reckon without me!  I am Jack the Giant Killer, a mighty warrior, and I will slay you and retrieve Aladdin’s lamp for him.

Orc:

Oi, that’s not fair! That’s my job!

Ranger:

But his magic is powerful.  I can’t do it all on my own.  Where is my loyal henchman?

Orc:

Yeah!  Game on!

Cue a woefully unconvincing fight scene.  Abenarzar drops the lamp and runs off.  There’s another song.  No idea why.

GURPS:(Handmaiden)

I am Princess Nanki Poo’s handmaiden, but no-one knows my secret identity.  I am a peri and extremely magical!  I will take the magic lamp and give it back to Aladdin.

Traveller:

Huzzah!  Now I have the magic lamp back!  Genie, I command you to bring Princess Nanki Poo to me!

There’s a break at this point while we sort out the block and tackle, but eventually Princess Nanki Poo flies through the air and lands at the feet of Aladdin.

Traveller:

Princess Nanki Poo – will all the magic in the world make you agree to become my wife?

Burrows:

No magic in the world , because I already love you, Aladdin. 

Werewolf:

(Sobbing) That is so touching that I renounce my wicked ways and promise to be a nice wolf from now on.

Shoggoth:

I’m lurking again.

Audience:

IT’S BEHIND YOU!

Vampire:

Yippee, it’s over!  Right, can we go down the pub now?

Dork:

Not yet.  We need to do the closing number.

Graceless tap dancing all round, to the tune of Cliff Richard’s Congratulations.

GURPS:

Hang on, where’s the Ninja?  The panto’s nearly finished and he’s not done anything yet.

Everyone looks up.  The Ninja is hanging from the theatre ceiling surreptitiously dropping icecream tubs onto the audience.

Ninja:

Strawberry or vanilla?

 

And what did we learn from this, admittedly experimental, performance?  That our actors played their starsigns to a tee, but unfortunately couldn’t play their characters if you held a gun to their heads.  Next year I think we’ll have a carol concert instead.  Moo for now!

That’s it for this month! Moo for now.

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