Mystic Moo’s Astro Dating Guide: Special Gamer’s Edition

It’s Valentine’s Day. In folklore that’s when the birds choose their mates and, around here, Hamish goes off his shortbread and starts making cow-eyes at that heifer across the way. Yawn. And for you humans, too, there are Spring stirrings. There comes a point in every gamer’s life when he or she briefly pauses in their perusal of 4th Edition and sighs for that certain someone. That’s when we recognise that the void in our heart can no longer be wholly filled by either Trail of Cthulhu or a large pepperoni pizza. Yes, it’s time to seek a mate. But gamers tend to be shy and retiring types – what do you think a DM’s screen is for, after all? So allow Moo to give cupid a helping hoof with Mystic Moo’s Astro Dating Guide. It’s all here – the where, the when, the who and (more often than not) the why. Here goes:

Orcs 21 March – 20 April

Don’t expect the unexpected. A typical date with an Orc will involve you sitting on a battlefield somewhere watching him give his mace a good polish. Failing that, he’ll get himself arrested at the cinema for bashing the bloke in front on the head in his hurry to get two cartons of popcorn and a fizzy orange. Make sure you take enough money for a taxi home. If you’re feeling generous, maybe you could cover his bail too. NB Not a sensitive lover.

Most Compatible With: Ninjas, who can quietly fade into the background if the going gets rough or they just get too embarrassed. Rangers may also get along OK with this sign as their idea of a good time is sitting in a wood somewhere miles from civilization and Orcs aren’t big on civilization either.

Least Compatible With: Orcs don’t share Frodos domestic nature and frequently misinterpret an invitation for coffee as a licence to invade, pillage and eat all the custard creams.

Gurps 21 April – 21 May

Marigold informs me that Gurps are rather calculating in the vehicle department. Of course, she might mean that managing the rule book requires more than a little mathematical ability, but I reckon it means they won’t come across for less than a Porsche.

Most Compatible With: Cugels with a mutual fondness for fine living, wines and feasting and Shoggoths who, ages old, will love this sign’s mutability. I can be whatever you want me to be…

Least Compatible With: Dorks. Gurps just nick their lunch money and leave them crying at the bus stop.

Shoggoth 22 May – 21 June

Romance with a Shoggoth is rather hit and miss. Buy yourself a set of astronomical tables. You’ll need them to calculate when your next date is. On the upside, they love stargazing, although they may mutter under their breath whilst making eldritch fumblings.

Most Compatible With: Vampires are attracted to their dark, silent presence. Ninjas share an interest in darkness too, particularly merging into it, so Ninjas will take on his or her Shoggoth partner’s mannerisms in time, creeping up on old ladies and causing them to feel an inexplicable sense of impending menace. Shoggoths are also the only star sign that can quite literally make the Earth move. Pass the concordances and I’ll tell you exactly when.

Least Compatible With: Burrows run away screaming, but Shoggoths shouldn’t take it to heart as Burrows do that all the time anyway.

Frodo 22 June – 22 July

How would I describe a Frodo in love? Kind of like candy floss wrapped in a wet dishcloth. Heaven help you if that one night stand turns into a long-term relationship. They’ll pop down to the High Street to buy an engagement ring and come back eighteen months later minus the ring and moaning about being mugged by a goblin. Whiny sods, Frodos!

Most Compatible With: Rangers give Frodos a sense of security and make valuable companions in most situations – post-industrial allegorical wars, going down the shop for a bag of crisps, that sort of thing. Burrows and Frodos have a natural affinity and, unusually for such diffident signs, get under the duvet pretty quickly. Unfortunately this isn’t down to instant sexual attraction – more a mutual fear of spiders in the bath.

Least Compatible With: Ninjas. Frodos dislike their emotional detachment and their unnerving habit of jumping out from behind the wardrobe.

Werewolf 23 July – 22 August

Should you find yourself tempted to take a walk on the wild side, a Werewolf would make the perfect partner. A romantic date could be a walk in the woods on a crisp autumn day, or dinner al fresco under the full moon. Err…

Most Compatible With: Orcs, another healthy outdoor type who enjoys a scrap. They get on well, but it’s likely to be a volatile relationship. Gurps’ mutability is attractive to Werewolves who like a bit of a change themselves

Least Compatible With: Rangers. A date swiftly becomes a competition for territory and limited resources. You know when you’re in a restaurant and the woman at the next table starts nicking her boyfriend’s chips? That’s a Ranger / Werewolf date playing out, that is. Two hours later he’s lighting fires outside his semi to scare her off.

Cugel 23 August – 23 September

Why is it that when I associate the two words Cugel and Romance I automatically roll my eyes to the heavens (and not in ecstasy)? Cugels are the charmers of the roleplaying zodiac and they are also cheating, lying bovines. Don’t trust a Cugel an inch. Females dating Cugels should always check the hallmarks on jewellery. It’ll be Claire’s Accessories in a Tiffany box. Totally disregard any promises they make. If the sun’s about to go out then a vow to love you forever is hardly what I’d call commitment. And don’t introduce them to your friends and family. They’ll traumatise the cat, chat up your granny and never be seen again.

Most Compatible With: Travellers don’t like to stay in the same place for long, so could well share Cugel’s commitment phobia or at least won’t be too bothered by it. Dorks and Cugels are mutually supportive. Hanging out with a Cugel increases Dork self-esteem and Cugel’s just love the constant admiration.

Least Compatible With: Gurps. All smoke and mirrors on both sides.

Ninja 24 September – 23 October

Not great conversationalists and inclined to be secretive. For some the Ninja has an irresistible aura of mystery, to others he or she is just sneaky and miserable. The link to Japan brings an air of the exotic, and, as teenagers, they show a remarkable talent for smuggling their dates in past Mum after 10pm.

Most Compatible With: Travellers, as Ninjas fit neatly into small spaces, ideal for spaceships. Shoggoths like their self-sufficiency and unpredictability, and they can club together to buy black cloaks in bulk.

Least Compatible With: Orcs – your bog-standard, straightforward geezer will find these inscrutable creatures thoroughly incomprehensible. Why hide in shadows? Why not just THUMP it?

Dork 24 October – 22 November

A Dork doesn’t have a natural air of romance about him, but be reassured that before you go out on your first date (and it will be his first) he will have researched the dating experience fully on the internet and probably got his mum’s advice too. You will get flowers, walks in the park and candlelit dinners. Problem is the flowers will be from the Texaco shop and the dinners will be the finest McDonald’s can offer eaten in his bedsit while you’re waiting for his mum to arrive with change for the meter. And, frankly, you’d get more bedroom action in Ikea.

Most Compatible With: Burrows are gentle souls with no wish to offend, so may tolerate a Dork’s shortcomings better than most. Werewolves tend to be no-frills types who find the lack of romantic nonsense refreshing.

Least Compatible With: Rarefied, high-maintenance Vampires. A Dork on your arm doesn’t do a lot for your street cred and there but for the grace of god…

Vampire 23 November – 21 December

Undoubtedly the sexiest sign of the Roleplaying Zodiac, so my human friends tell me. Vampires always dress impeccably, have gorgeous hair and spout Byron at the drop of a silk top hat. Unfortunately, because of their specialised diet, they are not always blessed with the sweetest breath and their ideal date would involve you both freezing your butts off in Highgate Cemetery at Halloween.

Most Compatible With: Werewolves will find enough common (hunting) ground to sustain a relationship with a Vampire, in the medium-term at least. Rangers are the only other sign hardy enough to put up with all the out-of-hours cemetery hopping.

Least Compatible With: Cugels, who can’t stand anyone more charismatic or interesting than they think they are.

Ranger – 22 December – 20 January

Dating a Ranger has its compensations. You’ll get some nice holidays in the countryside and you’ll never get lost on the way home from the pub, no matter how many lagers you’ve had. You’ll need to exercise patience, though. Most girls prefer a gift of flowers to a dead fox, no matter how beautifully it’s presented. Similarly, cloaking yourself in the scents of the country makes great camouflage, but the pong of deceased hedgehog just doesn’t cut it in high society.

Most Compatible With: Dorks, who are so grateful for a date they’ll put up with a lot, bless them. Cugels welcome a friend who can hide them in a hurry, but the only sparks that’ll fly is when they’re gearing up for a hedgehog barbecue.

Least Compatible With: Werewolves. Rangers tend to be good shots and female werewolves, in particular, prefer their silver in the form of jewellery.

Traveller – 20 January – 19 February

They call me the Wanderer, yeah the Wanderer, I roam around and round and round and round… Sorry about that, Buttercup’s playing 20 Number Ones of the 1950s again. That said, it pretty much describes a Traveller. Notoriously commitment-phobic, it’s Another Girl, Another Planet. Buttercup, for goodness sake turn that off, how’s a Moo to concentrate?

Most Compatible With: Frodos, who might like to travel along for a while and with Gurps who probably won’t remember them in the morning.

Least Compatible With: Shoggoths, who have long memories and hold grudges.

Burrows 20 February – 20 March

Strong, feisty, independent-spirited. All words you’d never use to describe a Burrows. At their worst, they’re verging on being stalkers. Ask this sign out for for a drink and there’ll be a florist outside your workplace before you can turn around. You’ll be awash with Care Bears by the end of the first week, and they’ll bankrupt themselves on Valentine’s day. Let them down gently, it’s not their fault, it’s the stars.

Most Compatible With: Burrows bring out Orcs’ protective side. Vampires like the undying (or should that be undead?) devotion and the fluffy toys.

Least Compatible With Travellers, who will have none of this nonsense and need little excuse to move on.

That’s it for this month! Moo for now.

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