Cosmic Ordering with Mystic Moo

The following article originally appeared in an earlier iteration of See Page XX in June 2008.

By Paula Dempsey, alias Mystic Moo.

Mystic Moo explains how visualisation can get you the games of your dreams. We are lucky enough to have a transcript, despite the difficulty of typing with hooves.

Listen to the podcast here:

Podcast Transcript

Posh 1950’s announcer: Good Evening and welcome to the BBC. We now go live to Hamish the Highland Cow in the cowshed. Good Evening Hamish!

Hamish: Hellooo! This is Hamish the Hieland Coo on location for the BBC. The Bovine Broadcasting Company, that is. I’m here in the cooshed with Mystic Moo to investigate some pretty extravagant claims. Mystic Moo, you’ve been claiming that you can help our gamer friends get as many games as they want, just by listening to your voice. Tell us more.

Mystic Moo: Hamish, today we are going to help all our gamer listeners get as many roleplaying games as they want. They can do this through a process called Cosmic Ordering, or, as I prefer to call it, Cows-mic Ordering. On account of I’m a cow and I’m using a microphone. The theory is that they tune in to the frequency of the universe, send out their wish and, if the stars are right, their wish will manifest.

Hamish: So cows-mic ordering can get me anything then?

Mystic Moo: In theory, Hamish, yes. Of course, the universe has to think it is for the greater good that you get it.

Hamish (hopefully): Like a giant tin of shortbread, maybe?

Mystic Moo: That is not for your greater good, Hamish. Cows should graze on grass, not biscuits. The universe won’t send you biscuits.

Hamish: So Cosmic Ordering can get you anything but biscuits.

Mystic Moo: That’s right, Hamish, although Marigold claims she did once get three cans of low alcohol lager and a packet of ginger nuts, but that was less down to cosmic ordering and more down to sticking her head through the kitchen window when the farmer wasn’t looking. Anyway, today we’re going to concentrate on games. I’d like all our listeners to get in a position where they are comfortable and able to relax, but not go to sleep and listen to this special Mystic moo-ditation. (Moo runs through standard yoga relaxation techniques).

Now to manifest your desires. I want you to picture a green door. A green door. Open the door and go through it. In front of you is a huge warehouse, so big you can’t see the far wall. On either side of you are shelves stacked with your favourite games, in alphabetical order. To your right is a magical supermarket trolley. No matter how much you put in the trolley it is never full. I want you to imagine yourself going from shelf to shelf and filling your trolley with all the games you want. Really smell the cardboard, feel the shape of the dice, leaf through those pages there. And don’t forget to pick up a copy of Trail of Cthulhu, you really want that.

Now imagine yourself going back towards the green door. You see a cow sitting at a checkout. Her name is Marigold. She scans all your items and puts them in a big box for you to take home. Thank Marigold and make your way to the exit. Your games will be delivered shortly. Go back through the green door and slowly return to the real world. When you are ready, open your eyes and stretch. Welcome back to your cowshed or wherever you are.

Hamish: And will this work?

Mystic Moo: Depends how determined these gamers are to manifest their desires. If they really believe, it will happen. Now put the kettle on, there’s a good coo.

Hamish: This is Hamish the Hieland Coo, for the BBC, signing off.

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